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Ashes to Ashes

We were told today that Sloan’s ashes are ready. The realization that his body is gone forever is unbearable. Each day really is a new form of grief. No two are alike. It hits like the waves of the ocean, sort of ebs and flows. I think of what if’s, I question it all constantly. It’s impossible not to. It was a perfect storm of events- We didn’t use a baby monitor. It was the first night since Sloan’s birth that Justin didn’t sleep in the room with Sloan and instead slept in our bed. It was only a few weeks in to giving him a blanket at bed and letting him sleep in his crib. It was the first night he was only checked on once at 1 am instead of 2-3 times throughout. The first morning in months that we slept in. The first morning in months I didn’t immediately go check on the baby when I woke up. Why all those things, why all at once? Why did this happen to us? I will never know, I’ll never understand. Some days I say it doesn’t feel real, or I ask myself if HE was real. If you’ve lived through the loss of a child, you know what I mean by that.

Nothing can bring him back, no matter how many mornings I wake up thinking I hear his sweet babbling only to realize he’s gone. No matter how many times I hear someone else’s baby cry and think it’s mine. What I do know though, is that he wasn’t just here and gone, he is still doing tremendous things in this world. I try to focus my sadness and ache for him into doing what I can for others and raising awareness. I can at least keep his purpose and soul alive by making a difference.

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