Before last week, I hadn’t worked since the morning of July 3rd. The night before, I had put Sloan to bed and settled in to working on orders. He kept fussing and because I was wanting to get back to work, I gave in and laid him back down with his favorite blanket in his hand. I worked on orders tediously for several hours, and then Justin and I checked on the boys before heading to bed. It was the first night in 7 months that Justin slept in our room rather than Sloan’s. The next morning, thinking he had taken the usual early morning shift with the baby, I woke up and answered work emails. Then, I went in to get Sloan up for a bottle and our whole world came crashing down.
From that moment on, I resented my job. I was regretful about all the hours I’d spent preoccupied with my business and not my children. Angry at myself for letting my job as a business owner take over the more important things in my life. For years, I was a mother, and a business owner, and suddenly those two pieces of my life were drastically at odds. I spent the last two and a half months drowning in the waves of grief, and unsure whether I’d ever have the drive or passion for my job again. I was fighting this internal battle, against my former self.
Then, last week, I was in my office editing my blog and I remembered why I’d started my business 3.5 years ago. I had wanted a way to stay home with Rowan when he was a baby. I wanted the ability to be present for my children even while I was at work. For 3.5 years I’ve done that, I’ve been able to live my dream.
My business not only allowed me to work from home, but to nourish my creativity and independence. Because of my business, I became a part of an amazing handmade community. A community that has been a pillar of strength and support for us on more than one occasion, but especially in wake of Sloan’s death. So, as I sat there in my office last week, my mind changed. Suddenly I was able to see that my business didn’t take anything away from me, but rather, gave me an immeasurable amount of things to be thankful for.
Today, I reopen for the first time since Sloan’s death. It has been an enormous step for me in my grief. Reopening my brand is facing a large part of my anxiety head on, and I know this is the right thing.