It is Infertility Awareness week, so I’d like to touch back on the subject of secondary infertility & pregnancy loss. When Rowan was 4 months old, we suffered a loss of a pregnancy at 10 weeks. It was traumatic, and we battled our grief for quite some time afterwards. We were elated when I got pregnant a third time a little more than a year later, but we also lost that pregnancy. We had been trying for almost 2 years. We had done everything in our power and then some, to try to get pregnant and stay pregnant, but it just wasn’t happening.
Getting on Facebook was like trying to navigate a minefield in the dark. Scroll scroll scroll, pregnancy announcement, scroll, birth, scroll scroll, belly photo, scroll scroll, ultrasound. When someone (and for some reason a large amount of people did) would ask me “Are you going to have another?” I wanted to crawl in a hole forever. I wanted to shout “For the love of God, don’t ask people this question!” It was so uncomfortable for me to say “we have been but we lost them both” because suddenly I became the sad girl nobody knew what to say to. And if I said “Yes we want to” there was this feeling that they would have absolutely no idea just how much meaning that “We want to” had. It was awkward. It was agonizing.
We charted, we planned, we followed a regimen from doctors. We both went through testing, I had bi-weekly ultrasounds to check my ovaries, weekly blood draws, and a regimen to follow at home. I would see my friends announce pregnancies and I’d cry alone in the bathroom. One sister in law was pregnant and the other had just had a baby. It was all exhausting and I felt like such a failure, as if the one thing my body was designed to do, I couldn’t. Infertility was a battle I felt I just couldn’t win.
Finally, I was put on Clomid. I was extremely lucky, and it only took one cycle before I was pregnant with our miracle baby… Sloan. The journey through multiple losses, agonizing secondary infertility, testing, fertility meds….It feels like yesterday, and yet, it feels like years ago. Infertility is real, it’s painful, and it’s time people discuss it.