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Tumbling in the Waves

I’ve been so very triggered with my grief lately. I know pregnancy can really impact your emotions (trust me, this is my 4th baby and 6th pregnancy. I’m aware of what hormones do). But I’m just a wreck most days. I find myself in tears several times a day, longing to hold him, smell him, kiss him.

Phoenix is turning one this month, Mother’s Day is approaching. It’s like I’m feeling bits of the first weeks after his death all over again. Things people say aggravate me in ways they shouldn’t, or wouldn’t normally. Reading about other families who’ve recently lost their babe would normally set me on a mission to reach out, help, offer support, and be of use. But in the past few weeks these stories have set me back in my own grief and healing. I’ve felt their pain so deeply that I can’t separate it from my own and it’s caused me to have to take a step back.

I also had to make the heartbreaking choice to leave my favorite baby loss support group today. (No I don’t need suggestions of others, I’m in several as well as pregnancy after loss groups). It’s just that this was my favorite and it felt like my only true safe space for my grief so I’m devastated. But as a woman pregnant after child loss, I now can’t share a major part of my grieving and triggers there, and it felt completely alienating. Think back to when a group of friends cut you out or a time when you no longer felt a connection to someone you were closest with. That is this feeling.

If you think pregnancy after loss is all joy and blessing, think again. It’s a lonely space to be in, even with the proper encouragement, support, and meds. Grieving… is lonely. You can have all the support in the word and still feel so isolated and misunderstood.

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