Three years ago today, we stood in a field at an old dairy farm, having our gender reveal photos taken. I was 17 weeks pregnant with Sloan. We would go on to share our announcement photos two days later, on July 3rd 2016.
A year later, he was gone.
Sometimes it feels like all of that was eons ago. As if it all occurred in some past life that I only vaguely recall the details of because I am someone else now. I’m a shell of that person, there are pieces of me reminiscent of her, but her shell is now filled with the loss, pain, lessons, healing, and gratefulness that only trauma can teach.
It’s been three years since that day in that field, where I stood pregnant with a baby boy who’s entire lifetime can now be counted on one hand.
So maybe now is the time I tell you something I’ve kept close to my heart for 17 weeks now… I am due the same week I was due with Sloan.
I am personally very comfortable with this little rainbow sharing the same timeline to existence with Sloan. I know some expect it to be triggering and understandably so, but for me it is calming. Because this is a different baby, at a different time in my life, with a different story, I am able to separate the two despite the familiarity. This baby girl has her own identity already, I can envision her as she is without being clouded by my grief for her brother.
She is also not our first baby after losing him. Phoenix’s existence in our lives has healed us so deeply and taught us so much. There were triggers of course, but we have learned and will continue to learn how to manage them as she grows and traverses life. Phoenix was our rebirth from the ashes of loss, the fire and tenacity she brought to us during such darkness has eased a bit of the harshness of any future triggers we may experience with Valorie.
Each of my 4 babies has held a universe within them of lessons, magic, and discovery. Each with their own destinies, each their own person with their own story.