I have felt I was adjusting so well to a third child in the house, we settled into routine rather quickly, the kids took to their little sister right away. But it can’t all be rainbows and quiet time, right?
I woke up in a terrible mood this morning. I’m going to be frank here, nursing isn’t something I enjoy. I know that’s not the popular opinion. Everyone speaks of it like it’s this wonderful, flowery, beautiful bonding experience. I am not in that club. It’s been really hard for me. I never tried with Rowan. Sloan had intestinal sensitivities that required a medicated formula. Phoenix couldn’t process my milk, and refused the breast vehemently, so I pumped and donated for three months until I couldn’t take it anymore. This time I am so determined for it to work for us.
I had mastitis by day 3 home, then Valorie’s tongue tie threw us for a loop. Her revision hasn’t shown us any improvement yet (I know that’s normal) so it’s been a struggle. She fights me on every attempt, falls asleep when I finally get her to latch after what feels like an eternity of her latching and unlatching like a piranha. It always ends up the same…I hurt, she’s frustrated, and still hungry. So I pump, determined for her to have my milk somehow. But, I only get a measly 2 ounces.
Today, the precious pumped milk, those exhausting nursing sessions- were thrown back at me in the form of vomit, every time. I am tired, sore. She is frustrated and fussy. But we keep trying. Because I know that there’s no possibility of it improving if I don’t try. And should there be no “better” with this, that’s okay too. I will accept this experience for whatever it will be, and I will acknowledge that fed is best like I did with all 3 of my other children.
I don’t share this for suggestions or advice. I don’t share it for pity. I share this for solidarity. Feeding babies is hard, no matter how you do it. There’s pressure, judgment, expectation, no matter the method of feeding. I just want other mamas to know that It’s okay, you aren’t alone in this, I get it. The hard days, the pain, the annoyance, the struggle, it’s OKAY to feel it all. Please remember that you’re doing YOUR best, not anyone else’s.