Two days ago, my mom was admitted to the ICU with Streptococcal pneumonia, sepsis, and afib. It took hours to stabilize her and has been an up and down battle since.
Last night at 12:50am I sat on the floor in an ICU hallway, sobbing, as they intubated her. I watched them run in and out, bring up a crash cart, shout things down the hall. My dad, brother, and sister in law had gone home to sleep for the night, and Justin had our kids at home so I could stay with my mom. I was alone, and it felt like my world was ending, and I was the one who’d had to make this choice for them to do this to her. I had a full blown panic attack in that hallway while I waited for my dad to come back, and had to sit on the phone crying to my best friend until she could calm me down.
I remember saying through tears “I think my mom is going to die Kailynn, I can’t lose my mom.” A wave of cold, familiar, metallic dread filled my entire body. It was the same feeling I’d had when I found Sloan unresponsive in his crib two years ago. The same feeling I felt when they admitted Valorie to the hospital in December and had surrounded her as they rushed to get oxygen into her body. It’s a feeling as a bereaved, grieving individual, that creeps in too often, a fear of death, of losing another person I love.
I sat relaying to Kailynn what I could see and hear of what was going on. At some point I stopped talking all together and she listened patiently as I breathed through tears. Finally my dad appeared in the hallway and I hung up the phone. He wrapped his arms around me and one of the nurses told us they’d finished intubating my mom, so we could go in.
My mom is stable again now. She is currently sedated, and on a ventilator to let her breathe without struggle. Her numbers are improving now that she’s on 10+ different IV meds and is able to rest so her body can try and heal. This will be a much longer process to renewed health than anticipated and I’m honestly pretty traumatized by all of it. Please continue to lift her up.